I used to stay in relationships with diagnosed, abusive Cluster Bs and people who showed signs of narcissism and sociopathy even though I felt bad most of the time. Then I came across the concept of the sunk cost fallacy and a lot became clear to me.
What is the sunk cost fallacy?
The sunk cost fallacy is a cognitive bias that leads individuals to make irrational decisions based on past investments (such as time, money, or effort) that cannot be recovered. It occurs when people factor in what they have already invested into a particular situation, rather than objectively evaluating the current circumstances and potential future outcomes.
The fallacy is named after the concept of “sunk costs,” which refer to costs that have already been incurred and cannot be recovered or changed. Despite their irreversibility, individuals sometimes feel compelled to continue investing in a project or pursuing a course of action because they have already dedicated significant resources to it.
Imagine you buy some stocks and the value drops. Instead of selling your stocks, you hold on to them, hoping the numbers will go up again – but they don’t. The longer you hold on to your stocks, the bigger your losses.
Don’t we do this in relationships sometimes? – I certainly used to.
And how much does this REALLY cost us? – Way too much! You may get your money back, but you NEVER get your time back. Sometimes not your sanity, either. Or not easily.
The key characteristic of the sunk cost fallacy is that it disregards the present situation and focuses on past investments as a justification for current or future actions. Rather than objectively assessing the potential benefits and drawbacks of continuing with the endeavor, individuals mistakenly believe that additional investment will somehow “redeem” or validate their previous investments.
However, this line of reasoning is flawed. The rational approach would be to consider the current circumstances, costs, and potential future outcomes independently of past investments. By basing decisions solely on the current and future prospects, individuals can make more informed and rational choices that are not clouded by the irrecoverable costs of the past.
In various domains of life, such as personal relationships, business ventures, or even personal habits, falling victim to the sunk cost fallacy can lead to poor decision-making, unnecessary persistence in unproductive endeavors, and missed opportunities for growth or change. Recognizing and overcoming this bias can help individuals make more rational choices and allocate their resources more effectively.
How can the sunk cost fallacy be applied to toxic relationships?
The sunk cost fallacy is a cognitive bias that leads people to make irrational decisions based on the resources (time, money, effort) they have already invested in a particular endeavor, even when those investments are unlikely to be recovered or yield positive outcomes. It can be tempting to apply this fallacy to narcissistic and toxic relationships, but doing so can have detrimental effects on one’s well-being. Here’s why:
- Emotional and psychological well-being: Narcissistic and toxic relationships can be draining and detrimental to one’s emotional and psychological health. Continuing to invest in such relationships solely because of the time and effort already spent can lead to prolonged suffering and prevent the individual from seeking healthier and more fulfilling connections.
- Opportunity cost: By remaining in a narcissistic or toxic relationship, individuals may miss out on opportunities for personal growth, happiness, and healthier relationships. The longer they invest in a negative relationship, the more they lose the chance to pursue positive experiences and build healthier connections.
- Escalation of harm: Toxic relationships tend to escalate over time, leading to an increased level of emotional abuse, manipulation, and unhappiness. Holding on to a toxic relationship due to past investments may prolong exposure to harmful behaviors, further eroding one’s self-esteem and overall well-being.
- Lack of reciprocity: Narcissistic and toxic individuals are often focused on their own needs and lack empathy for others. They are unlikely to change or reciprocate efforts to improve the relationship. Continually investing in a relationship with someone who does not value or respect you can perpetuate a cycle of emotional distress and disappointment.
- Personal boundaries and self-respect: Recognizing the sunk cost fallacy and choosing to walk away from a toxic relationship demonstrates a commitment to personal boundaries and self-respect. It acknowledges that the individual deserves to be treated with kindness, respect, and love, and that staying in a toxic relationship contradicts those principles.
In summary, applying the sunk cost fallacy to narcissistic and toxic relationships can have serious negative consequences for one’s well-being and personal growth. Recognizing the fallacy and having the courage to let go can lead to healthier relationships, personal happiness, and improved overall quality of life.
Also consider the idea of crap-fitting. Basically this means settling for less than you deserve and NEED, which lowers your self-esteem and comes at a huge cost, as well. I’ve heard about crap-fitting from the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube and I think it’s a great way to describe this syndrome of staying even though you know better. Maybe you were forced to stay in such situations during your childhood, but are you today? Probably not.
Now you know better, so you can do better! Do you really need to live your life based on crap-fitting and staying stuck in a sunk cost fallacy?
Is it really enough to wait for good moments here and there, but overall, you usually feel horrible because of your toxic relationship(s)?
There is another way. Life is short and you deserve happiness and joy. Always remind yourself of this.
Ask yourself how you can start living your dream life already today! Not everything has to be perfect right away, but you can start taking care of yourself, prioritizing self-care and making yourself UNFAMILIAR with toxic relationships today – by starting a good relationship with yourself!
Focus on self-care, always ask yourself what you want and need – and act accordingly! Don’t wait for toxic people to make you happy; it’s not going to happen.
Even if they do occasionally contribute to your happiness while you keep doing little or nothing for yourself because you’re so focused on getting A LITTLE BIT OF GOODNESS from the toxic relationship (crap-fitting!) you will simply make yourself dependent on that little bit of poisonous happiness from the wrong sources.
I personally believe that these relationships are a lot like substance addiction. That means they’re very painful and addictive, and there’s a huge physical component to this (your brain becoming addicted to the ups and downs) but overcoming them is totally doable.
Removing toxic people from your life or removing yourself, going no contact, staying no contact and focusing on self-care are crucial steps you can take to end the pain.