Developing better self-esteem is crucial – both in order to recover from enmeshments with exploitative and abusive people and to become narc-proof for your future.
You need a healthy dose of self-esteem in order to know that you MATTER enough to have boundaries.
Let me repeat: first of all, you need to know that you MATTER enough to even have boundaries.
A lot of us have never learned that we matter. We maybe never learned that our needs and boundaries matter, so at some point we stopped expressing them or we never really realize we have them. We stop feeling them.
Narcissists and other exploitative people, on the other hand, are VERY in touch with their own needs and often seek to meet them at the expense of others. This is where the toxic dance begins.
We need to have very clear and strong boundaries in order to shield ourselves from narcissistic abuse.
So, first of all, learn to matter to yourself and increase your self-esteem. Then you can decide what your boundaries are. Afterwards, you can learn to be assertive.
Once you have clear, strong boundaries and a good level of self-esteem, you will be much less likely to depend on narcissists or other toxic people for validation, love-bombing and idealization and you will be much less likely to tolerate bad behavior and abuse. (Bye, Felicia!)
Enough said. Here are some suggestions for you to develop a healthy, daily routine.
Suggestions for your New Routine – Create better Self-Esteem
- Start a daily gratitude journal to reflect on positive aspects of your life. You can write entries in the morning, evening or whenever something positive comes to mind. Remind yourself that you matter and that your life matters. Focus on the positive things and the things you can control or influence for the better. Let go of the rest. Cost factor: almost nothing, just get a journal. (Of course, you could turn this into an art journal or scrapbooking hobby.) You could also use this journal to keep track of your accomplishments.
- Engage in regular physical activity to boost mood and self-image. Weight-lifting is very doable. Simply buy some weights, look up the right posture so you don’t hurt yourself, start with light weights and off you go. Dancing to your favorite music is also very doable. If you have neighbors, get a good set of headphones and off you go. Of course, there are many other things you can do – go for walks, hiking, swimming, climbing/bouldering, yoga/pilates, ballet – you name it. You could even join a club for dancing. How about rock’n’roll or lindy hop? So much fun! Cost factor: Nothing or just a few dollars a month. (You don’t need to join a gym or club. But even that isn’t terribly expensive.)
- Practice good posture to convey confidence and feel better about yourself. Look it up online. Remind yourself several times a day to correct your posture. After a few weeks, this will be your new normal. Get a gym ball to sit while you’re at the office/doing your work at the computer. You will help your spine, have less pain and develop a better posture. Your breathing will also become better. Open up your chest, chin up, breathe in deeply – instant mood booster. Cost factor: for free.
- Dress in clothes that make you feel confident and comfortable. Sell or donate all the stuff that reminds you of toxic people or toxic events. Or turn it into reusable toilet-paper or cleaning rags. Then, buy a few items you truly feel good about. Maybe you want clothes that are produced in a fair and ecologically friendly way. Maybe you want vegan shoes. Invest in yourself and show yourself that you matter and that your values matter. Of course, don’t go broke – do this within your financial means. You don’t need to go on an instant shopping spree, you can change your wardrobe gradually until it feels optimal and really reflects you, your personality and values. Cost factor: depends on your preferences.
- Learn a new skill or hobby to build confidence and competence. This could be something to open new doors regarding your career. It could also be something you just do for yourself, because you want to. You don’t necessarily need to become objectively “good” at it. You can do it, because you matter and what you want matters, too. Your interests matter. The things you’re interested in should matter to you. This is your life! Explore your interests and passions to cultivate a sense of purpose. Cost factor: could be for free, if you like free tutorials or courses online.
- Surround yourself with supportive and uplifting people. Be open to meeting new people, but watch out for red flags, especially while you’re recovering. Joining a self-help group can be a great way to find like-minded people. Cost factor: usually for free or a very small amount of money.
- Volunteer or help others to feel valued and appreciated. Alternatively: donate money to organizations you care about. Some of us already work a lot and the best or most convenient way for us to help is financially. I like donating to reforesting and rewilding organizations (Planet Wild), as well as to farm animal sanctuaries. How do we behave towards the beings that can’t do anything for us? There are organizations where you can adopt a grandma or grandpa. If you want to help someone, you will find a lot of options in this world. Volunteer or get involved in community activities to feel connected. Engage in acts of kindness to boost your self-worth and sense of purpose. This could be writing positive comments on YouTube or other social media, if you don’t avoid social media. It could be saying something nice to a stranger or friend. Cost factor: for free or whatever you want to give, if you donate.
- Seek out therapy or counseling to work through deeper issues. This is an obvious one. Cost factor: If you join a self-help group, usually for free. Therapy: there might be low-cost options in your country, do some research. In some countries, certain forms of therapy are covered by health insurance. In some countries, it’s expensive. Do your research and get the best option for yourself.
- Practice deep breathing exercises to reduce stress and anxiety. Look up Wim Hof on YouTube. If you don’t like Wim Hof breathing, there are many other forms of breathwork. Some are even said to help you release DMT. “Get high on your own supply.” Cost factor: FOR FREE.
- Express yourself creatively through art, music, or writing. Really get in touch with yourself and reconnect with yourself. Cost factor: whatever you want to invest. The cheapest form of art is probably writing. Journaling can be very helpful, see point 1.
- Eat well and hydrate. Most of us don’t drink enough water. Make sure you get all the nutrients you need. Invest in some good supplements. Make sure you get enough iron, if you’re female. Most of us are deficient in magnesium. Magnesium can help you deal better with stressful situations. Prepare nice meals for yourself, go on a solo date to a restaurant or order food for yourself once in a while. You’re worth it! Limit caffeine and alcohol. Go to a good doctor and have a detailed bloodwork done. Supplement intentionally, balancing your individual deficiencies.
- Set aside time for relaxation and stress-reduction activities. This could be meditation or breathwork. Journaling. Going for a walk. Watching your favorite show. Listening to music (and dancing). Going out into nature – a forest or at least a beautiful park. Be around trees. Try forest-bathing (shinrin-yoku). Practice mindfulness and meditation to increase self-awareness. Paint a painting. Set aside time for hobbies and activities you enjoy. Maybe you just want to sleep more? That’s excellent! Sleep is very good for your brain, endocrine and immune system.
- Engage in acts of physical self-care, such as bubble baths / warm showers / cold showers or getting a massage. Hair treatments, manicure, pedicure, skin care. Take pride in your appearance and groom yourself regularly. You don’t need to learn how to apply makeup perfectly, but if you want to, you can. Smaller things count, too. Stay clean and feel fresh.
- Take on small challenges to prove your capabilities to yourself. Set achievable goals and celebrate your progress. Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. Focus on your strengths and abilities rather than dwelling on weaknesses. Confront fears and step out of your comfort zone to build resilience. Challenge yourself with new experiences and adventures. Optional: Seek feedback from trusted sources to validate your skills and abilities.
- Create a vision board with goals and aspirations. Sometimes it’s nice to have dreams, whether you want to step into action and make them a reality or not. Get to know yourself. What are your dreams? What is your dream life? What can you do today to bring yourself closer to your desired reality?
- Declutter your environment to create a space that promotes positivity. Make room for something new and better. Cost factor: nothing or almost nothing. Sometimes you might even retrieve some money, if you can sell something. Definitely get rid of all the things that remind you of toxic people and toxic situations.
- Challenge negative self-talk by replacing it with positive affirmations. Acknowledge your strengths and accomplishments daily. Practice positive self-talk and affirmations daily. Challenge negative beliefs about yourself with evidence to the contrary. Also challenge negative things that you were told about yourself. Write down all the negative beliefs and turn them into the opposite. Engage in positive self-talk and affirmations throughout the day. Reflect on past successes and achievements. Challenge negative thoughts and replace them with positive affirmations. Take pride in your accomplishments, no matter how small. <- This link will take you to my Gumroad Store. Support my work on a pay-what-you-want basis and upgrade your consciousness at the same time.
For free: here is my blog category for positive affirmations to raise your self-esteem and break free from narcissistic enmeshments:
https://postnarc.com/category/positive-affirmations/ - Set boundaries with toxic people to protect your mental well-being. Limit exposure to negative influences like social media or toxic relationships. Establish healthy boundaries with others to protect your well-being.
- Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness and understanding. Practice forgiveness, both for yourself and others, to let go of resentment. Not because they’d deserve it, but because you deserve feeling good and free. Anger and resentment are negative emotions that have a negative impact on our health, if we hold on to them. Remember, if you’re holding on to anger, you’re actually holding on to the person. Let them be arseholes and let them go.
- Develop a daily routine to establish structure and stability. Take some examples from this list and make them your own. Do whatever makes you feel better and do it for yourself, nobody else. Maybe you don’t want a routine, but you like variety? Just start somewhere, today. Then do something else tomorrow. Show yourself that you matter (maybe in different ways, but) every day.
- Set realistic goals and take steps to achieve them, engaging in activities that promote personal growth and development. Start small and celebrate every little accomplishment. You were on time? Wow, fantastic! You actually finished the course you bought? Maybe you haven’t finished the entire course, yet, but you finished a lesson? Hey, that’s awesome! That’s fantastic! Your next, realistic goal is finishing another lesson! Don’t make it the whole course at once. Go step by step and celebrate every accomplishment. You look great in your new outfit! You’re smart and capable! Celebrate every little success. It’s a big deal! How do you celebrate? You can dance, buy yourself a little treat, decide to feel good about yourself, praise yourself, relax – reward yourself in some small or big way. It doesn’t always have to be food or shopping. You could simply hug yourself and tell yourself: I AM REALLY AMAZING and mean it.
Here are 100 examples to praise yourself and raise your self-esteem.
You matter. Remind yourself of this every day until you believe it.