I have a friend who has also experienced narcissistic abuse – in a much worse way than me, actually, she even went to a mental health clinic twice to get away from everything AND got back together with “her” narc in between AND he abused her a lot more than mine abused me, but when I got really angry at mine and that anger kept haunting me for months and months (I had already started therapy) she said: “oh you’ve got to stop, now it’s really becoming pathological” – and I felt so bad because of it.
Because I thought of all the people, she should understand. When she cried over “her” narc, I was always there for her, listened to all the grief. But she was never angry. So she didn’t understand. For some reason, this really made me aware of my boundaries, more than when I was interacting with narcs. Narcs “just” used to mirror and abuse me. But with non-narcs, it’s actually a lot easier to realize my lack of boundaries. …
Narcs just don’t care about NOT harming another person, because exploiting people emotionally is normal to them. With non-narcs, at least to me it’s a lot easier to spot when they’re not compassionate, because they never fake understanding… narcissists fake a lot of understanding in the beginning an then suddenly they’re devaluing and gaslighting you.
The shock is too much for the nervous system, I believe. We switch into denial and questioning ourselves, because this (narc) person has seemed to be so understanding and loving just recently… So the cognitive dissonance just becomes overwhelming. But with people who are actually not narcissistic, just not always seeing things my way, I can see that they don’t fake understanding, and when they don’t understand me, it’s much easier to stick to my own boundaries and feelings. I think with their mirroring and faking of understanding and connection that narcissists to, there’s a very destructive kind of enmeshment that happens in our brains. That’s my impression. The boundaries are dissolved with these kinds of people.
They really put a vampire spell on you – “vampiric drain”, that’s my role play game analogy…. They make you weak and lose yourself, they paralyze you.
ALL YOUR BOUNDARIES are transgressed.
This creates anger.
We need to feel ALL of our emotions in order to process the trauma.
I believe that the re-installation of boundaries brings about anger.
The fragile flower unfolds its leaves again.
In order to do that, our inner mother fights off potential dangers, becoming hostile.
The defense programs are activated. We’re in warrior mode.
And that’s good. That’s necessary.
Give yourself time to regrow some healthy boundaries – or to grow boundaries for the first time in your life.
Take the time to feel your emotions, feel the anger and release it in a constructive way that doesn’t get you into trouble.
As the grieving process after narcissistic relationship trauma may be very long and intense, the anger phase may either take a long time or keep coming back or both.
Be ready.
Talk to your therapist about finding good strategies to express and release your anger.
Why do you need to feel your emotions and release them?
Because holding on to strong emotions like sadness or anger makes you hold on to the person, in this case, fake persona.
However, it doesn’t bring them back.
It doesn’t bring back the idealization phase.
It doesn’t make their love real.
So there is really nothing in it for you. Don’t hold on to your feelings.
Feel them, release them – then allow in positive, new feelings.
This way you will be able to let go of the fake persona the narcissist created for you.
Sometimes we don’t want to let go because accepting that everything was fake is too painful.
Become aware of your inner workings and discuss them with your therapist, so you can start adapting.