A lot of coaches and experiencers of narcissistic abuse or exploitation will tell you that anyone, especially accomplished and independent people, can attract a narcissist. I agree. In fact, narcissists are usually attracted to people who can increase their status in some way.
However, you can be accomplished and independent on the outside and therefore “upgrade” the narcissist’s social status – while at the same time being needy and helpless in exactly the kinds of places the narcissist needs you to be in order to manipulate, gaslight and control you.
How does a narcissist recognize your vulnerabilties? – They test your boundaries.
For example, they might ask you for a favor that would require you to drop most of what you’re doing (right now) in order to satisfy the narcissist’s needs in some way, right this moment.
They might either display “absolute certainty” about their goals and needs being much more important than yours, explaining how you helping them would ultimately help you, too. Or they might emotionally manipulate you into feeling guilty should you choose to say no or prioritize your own needs.
They might say something like: “I love you. I would do the same for you.” – without ever having done anything for you.
You will notice a lot of love-bombing and beautiful promises, all peppered with self-congratulation.
However, you will soon find out: their self-image does not match their actual words or actions. A narcissist is either unaware of this, or they are aware of this, yet choose to manipulate others with their feigned ignorance anyway – simply because it serves them. (The way this affects you is, as always, irrelevant to the narcissist.)
Let’s say you end up dropping your guards and choose to help them – maybe you think you “like” them (because of the imprint from your childhood), maybe you’re not sure yet whether they’re a narcissist and you choose to test them by investing your time and energy (which is a bad idea)…
For whatever the reason, you end up giving in to their “request” for help, maybe not even fully, maybe just to a certain degree. For example, they might ask you for a HUGE favor and you end up giving them half of what they asked for.
Even if you just give them a little bit, the narcissist now knows how they can control and manipulate you. The game is on.
They now know that you can be easily convinced that your needs matter less than theirs. They now know that you care more about them than about yourself (at least in some cases) and they will exploit this till the cows come home.
Should you at any point rediscover your boundaries and state them clearly, the narcissist will be very offended and not accept any responsibility for their exploitation of your kindness. They will make your reaction the problem instead and deny any kind of responsibility.
They might even say “I am not responsible for you” – while they were absolutely exploiting your feeling of responsibility to help a “loved one” in need.
The bottom line is, simply by ever prioritizing the narcissist, you signal to them that you are needy for their “love” and approval and they will exploit this.
If you ever need something from the narcissist because you want to take them up on their promise that they would do the same for you – they will now see you as needy and use this against you, too.
And if you ever seek to address the issue, the narcissist will gain even more power over you – for now they know you are VERY NEEDY. You need them for a mutual relationship and you need their understanding – things they will never provide for you, but they will keep dangling promises and allusions in front of your face like a carrot.
You can’t win and you can’t have a relationship that’s based on mutual care with such a persona.
You can only have an exploitative fakelationshit with such a persona – one where you are the exploited one. (Narcissists are emotional vampires and the partner they are looking for is a vampire thrall. They’re not looking for a real person with their own needs and boundaries only complicate things, so they try to manipulate all your natural boundaries away. Unfortunately, with some people, namely people who accept responsibility for their own actions and tend to question themselves more than others, narcissists succeed.
No matter how externally accomplished or successful you are, a narcissist (if you let them into your life) is going to detect your weaknesses and use them against you.
You can only lose time, money and energy.
If you are externally accomplished and independent, beautiful or possess any other trait that is attractive to a narcissist, they will try to make you their trophy and thrall (or source of narcissistic supply).
Therefore, it’s very important that you both know what you bring to the table and why a narcissist might want you. And secondly, you need to become aware of the messages you’re sending by giving in to the requests of other people.
The best way to make a narcissist lose their interest is to say: “No.”
You could also say “I’ll think about it” – for example, if you’re not sure whether they’re a narcissist or not and you seem to really “like” them or want to get to know them or see their reaction.
What’s important is that you don’t help the next best person when they ask you to, especially if this requires you to give up time, energy and resources you could be using on yourself.
Don’t fall for the narcissist’s empty promises and self-congratulation.
Say “I’ll think about it” and see whether they can really live up to their promises.
If they do end up treating you well (and they turn out not to be highly narcissistic) you can THEN still help them.
Don’t fall prey to the idea “well, they say they love me, so in order to go along with this narrative of true love, I have to prove that I’m worthy of their love” — this is the game you must avoid. Narcissists are experts at creating a story and they’re always the good ones in it. You’ll hardly every be good enough for them – maybe in the idealization phase, but that will soon be replaced by devaluation and discard.
2nd scenario:
There is also the possibility that you are not subtly needy or helpless, but overtly. This will, without a doubt, attract exploitative narcissists.
Narcissists, by their very nature, are attracted to individuals who fulfill their insatiable need for validation and adoration. They thrive on power dynamics where they can assert dominance and control over others, exploiting vulnerabilities for their own gain.
Thus, individuals displaying neediness and helplessness become prime targets for narcissistic manipulation, as their insecurities and dependencies serve as beacons for narcissists, drawing them in with the promise of an endless supply of admiration, attention, and control.
In this case, it’s very important for you to become both internally and overtly confident, independent and make your boundaries non-negotiable.
In both cases, the best way to respond to ANY person who asks you for a favor, whether they are narcissists or not, is:
I’ll think about it.
And then to actually think about it and do only what YOU want, not what the other person wants you to do.
Sometimes, wanting to do “the right thing”, wanting to be a good person – is exactly what makes us vulnerable. Wanting to do “the right thing” while ignoring your own safety and boundaries is, in fact, needy and makes you helpless and vulnerable to narcissistic exploitation.
It’s great to be a good person and do the right thing – but make sure you’re not doing it for the wrong person.
If helping others makes you feel good, this is a (positive) trait a narcissist will certainly exploit.
So the best way to remain a “good person” who likes helping others is to fill up your life with causes and people who actually DESERVE your time and help, so that you have no more free capacities for underserving exploiters.
And you can also let them know: “I already have a lot on my plate. It would help me greatly if you could ask someone else. I’m sure you know a lot of people who can help you.” – Something along those lines.
In most cases, a simple “no” without an explanation (and running the other way) may be the best way to go.
If they bring up how helping them would benefit you in the end, you can say: “No, thanks. (I’m already busy.)”
And that’s it. If they keep pushing you or guilt-tripping you then, they are definitely an exploiter or at least a manipulative person and you certainly don’t want this personality type in your life.
Most narcissists you encounter won’t have a diagnosis or tell you: “Hi, I’m a narcissist. Now can you please help me with xyz?” , but they will simply demand your help – sometimes being extremely kind about it, so you will find it very hard to say “no” – but watch out for the big promises and self-congratulation and you will have your answer.
Always remember that saying “no” doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a person who values their own boundaries, time and energy. This is the best protection against narcissistic abuse.
A sane, healthy person will actually appreciate you MORE for saying “no”, because it means you know what you want and you don’t sacrifice yourself for others. You are aware of your own value. A sane, healthy person wants a partner who does not sacrifice themselves for others.
A non-exploitative person accepts and respects a simple “no”.
A non-exploitative person respects another person’s boundaries, time and energy.
If you have person in front of you who actually cares about mutuality in a relationship, they will not ask you to give up a lot of time, energy or resources for them.
And if they seriously want and need help, you will not be the first and only person they can ask for help. – Especially if you’re a (potential) romantic partner. No healthy, sane person wants a big discrepancy of power or neediness – especially not in a romantic relationship.
While writing this article, I had to think of this scene: