We all know the typical narco-centric content on YouTube and elsewhere online: Why does the narcissist do this? Or that? What makes the narcissist “love” you, hate you, discard you?
In my experience, this constant, never-ending focus on the narcissist IS the problem and remaining stuck in it = is equal to = remaining trauma-bonded.
So the one thing you need to do in order not to get over the narcissist is to keep focusing on the narcissist. As we know this means constant suffering. But sometimes we suffer so much, we can’t help but remain stuck in the “learning about narcissism” phase for a long, long time.
Focusing on the narcissist is a way to hold on to the narcissist – especially through anger (and other emotions) we can hold on to the love-bombing or little good moments we became so addicted to.
The goal is becoming indifferent.
With this little guide, I want to help you shift the focus back onto yourself and away from the narcissist.
Biggest Pitfall: Remaining stuck in the phase of “learning about narcissism” in order to remain mentally connected to the abuse (trauma-bonded)
Please realize that, in order to heal, “learning about narcissism” is just ONE tiny step in the big picture of recovering from narcissistic abuse. For specifics concerning your situation, please ask your therapist. (I’m an experiencer and mental coach/inner child mentor. My content does not replace therapy.)
Remaining stuck in any kind of strong emotion for a toxic person is the problem – even more so than the toxic person themselves. For you’re not only allowing them to live “rent-free in your head” – while we mourn we often MAKE them live in our head.
The fakelationship may have be over for years or decades, yet some people remain stuck in grief over a fake situation with a false persona who didn’t really care about them (sadly, but that’s part of this personality disorder).
Don’t devote your life to a ghost in your head.
Once you stop focusing on the narcissist, all the suffering concerning that narcissist will disappear from your life – except for when you co-parent with a narc. No contact is the only way to recover. If you can’t go no contact, such as in a parenting situation, strictly limited contact is the only option. Simply do as much as you can to limit the exposure. If you’re in the lucky position to completely cut the person out of your life, make use of it. If you can’t cut them out completely, distance yourself emotionally and stay safe.
Stick to your own rules, so you can keep trusting yourself.
Here are more steps you can take to reclaim your life:
Reclaiming Your Life
Sadly, breaking the trauma bond is not a one-off activity.
You don’t do a dance or ritual once and then you’re free forever. (Some people might sell rituals like that, but I don’t think that this works in most cases. A ritual may be ONE step in your recovery, but usually it takes a lot more than this.)
Breaking free from a narcissistic relationship or trauma bond can be an incredibly challenging and transformative journey. This journey may require time, as you need to rebuild all kinds of trust – trusting yourself, trusting other people, connecting with yourself, connecting with your inner child, making new connections with other people… This takes time and that’s percectly normal.
Don’t push yourself. Especially don’t rush into new relationships, playing with “love”-addiction. Don’t replace one addiction (to the narc) by becoming addicted to something or someone else. This will just prolong your suffering.
Focus on reconnecting with yourself (or connecting with yourself for the first time ever). – Better late than never.
One common misconception is that once you escape the narcissist’s grip, you’ll continue to be consumed by thoughts of them. This may be true for a while! But ultimately, you can decide when you limit thinking about them and start focusing on yourself instead.
Once you decide to heal and reclaim your life, your focus will naturally shift away from the narcissist. This is why it takes longer for some people than for others — for some of us, it’s REALLY hard to choose ourselves over other people, because very often, we were raised in narcissistic families of origin, where connection with yourself was frowned upon or even punished. We may be codependent to some degree or have narcissistic impairments ourselves. CPTSD is very common. (Ask your therapist for more information.)
In this article, we’ll explore the steps involved in breaking free from a narcissist and how you can move forward, regaining control of your own happiness and well-being:
Step 1: Acknowledge the Abuse: The first step to breaking free from a narcissist is recognizing and accepting that the relationship was abusive. This can be difficult, as narcissists are skilled at manipulation and gaslighting. However, acknowledging the abuse is essential for your healing process.
Step 2: Establish No Contact or Minimal Contact: Cutting off contact with the narcissist is crucial for your recovery. This means severing all forms of communication or, in some cases, minimizing contact to situations that are absolutely necessary (e.g., co-parenting). Establishing boundaries and sticking to them is key to breaking the trauma bond.
Step 3: Seek Support: Building a support network is vital when recovering from a narcissistic relationship. Surround yourself with empathetic and understanding friends, family, or support groups who can provide validation, guidance, and a safe space for you to heal.
Step 4: Educate Yourself: Educating yourself about narcissism and its effects is empowering. Gain knowledge about narcissistic personality disorder, manipulation tactics, and the impact of narcissistic abuse. This understanding will help you detach emotionally and avoid falling back into their trap.
Step 5: Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize self-care as you rebuild your life. Engage in activities that bring you joy, practice mindfulness and self-compassion, exercise regularly, and ensure you’re getting adequate rest and nutrition. Nurturing your physical, emotional, and mental well-being is essential for healing and regaining your strength.
Step 6: Process and Heal: Take the time to process your emotions and heal from the trauma. This may involve therapy, counseling, or engaging in self-reflective practices such as journaling or meditation. Addressing any underlying wounds or vulnerabilities will help you break free from the cycle of narcissistic relationships.
Step 7: Rediscover Yourself: As you detach from the narcissist, you’ll have the opportunity to rediscover who you truly are. Explore your passions, interests, and values. Reconnect with the aspects of yourself that may have been suppressed or disregarded during the toxic relationship. Embrace personal growth and work towards building a life that aligns with your authentic self.
Step 8: Set Future Boundaries: Once you have broken free from the narcissist, establish clear boundaries to protect yourself from potential future encounters or attempts at manipulation. Practice assertiveness and learn to say no without guilt. Putting your needs and well-being first is crucial in maintaining healthy relationships moving forward.
Breaking free from a narcissist and overcoming the trauma bond is a transformative journey that allows you to reclaim your life and focus on your own well-being.
By following these steps, acknowledging the abuse, seeking support, educating yourself, prioritizing self-care, healing, rediscovering yourself, and setting future boundaries, you can move beyond the narcissist’s influence and create a life filled with self-love, healing, and personal growth. Remember, you deserve happiness, and breaking free from the narcissist is the first step towards reclaiming it.