Sometimes the red flag is us. Sometimes we are not safe for ourselves. Isn’t that a bummer? This self-defeating tendency then simply gets reflected in the outside world. Narcissists will be the strongest mirror you can find in this situation.
If we not only blame the narcissist, but also see them as a reflection of our own self-avoidance and self-rejection, we can use any encounter with both narcissists and non-narcissists as a catalyst for our transformation towards self-love and completion.
It’s entirely possible to be hyper-sensitive and toxic without being highly narcissistic.
Even “empaths” can be toxic.
This is proven by the fact that both hyper-sensitive people and people who consider themselves “empaths” are often drawn to narcissists and vice versa. “Liking” a person who undermines you, keeps you small, idealizes and devalues you… is, sadly, very dysfunctional and self-defeating.
But a sensitive person can even be toxic towards themselves and others without high levels of narcissism on either side. (Narcissism isn’t the only toxic personality trait in people.)
For example, it’s entirely possible for a hyper-sensitive person to be offended when there is no objective reason to be offended. Let’s say a hyper-senstive person (HSP) has been talking for hours about a certain unfulfilled need they’re experiencing to another person. In response, the other person may give them a positive piece of advice, while having their best interest in mind. – Not playing anything down. Not being degrading or devaluing or insulting. Simply giving a constructive piece of advice.
It’s entirely possible for the HSP to be offended anyway, simply because they don’t feel seen and heard. But in this case, the HSP is missing the point.
The HSP could have gained clarity about several things before (admittedly, selfishly) broadcasting their needs, plans, ideas, opinions etc.:
- Does my venting require time and energy from the other person? (Yes, it does.) So how can I not waste their time and avoid being selfish with my monologue?
- What exactly are my needs right now and what do I need from the other person? If I simply want to vent and have a monologue about my needs, plans etc., I can use a journal or my therapy session for that. If I want a specific type of support from the other person, I should communicate that BEFORE broadcasting my monologue.
- If I am sensitive towards well-meaning advice, the topic I am broadcasting is probably not a topic I should be broadcasting. (It’s not constructive, but inviting possibly harmful words, when I actually want silence and clarity. A lot of people still make this mistake on social media.)
- If I just want to BE HEARD, why am I not listening to myself and acting on my knowning? Why am I using other people as an echo chamber?
- Does the other person even have the capacity to see and hear me?
A) If I haven’t gotten clear first about what kind of support I’m expecting, I’m just firing into empty space. If I do that, I can’t be disappointed or offended when I don’t like people’s response.
B) If the other person does NOT have the capacity to hear or see me, even when I tell them about my needs and boundaries (or they’re rather narcissistic), then what am I doing? (Inviting harm.)
C) If yes, they do have the capacity I need or want them to have, then it’s my obligation to tell the other person the way I want to be seen and heard, my boundaries and needs. For example: “I just want to vent, I don’t want any opinion or good piece of advice. I don’t want any feedback at all because everything is going to make me feel invalidated right now, I’m just so insecure right now. Do you have time to JUST listen to me without saying anything? Can you just ‘hold space’ for me?”
…and many other things.
It’s crucial to be aware of one’s needs and boundaries, always and especially before interacting with other people.
Know your needs and boundaries. And know when you’re being selfish, unrealistic, expecting too much, needy or too deep in “wishful thinking”. We all are sometimes. And that’s okay. This is the inner child. The inner child is reminding us that some of our needs have not been fulfilled. – And some people just can’t fulfill your needs. And those people aren’t necessarily bad. Sometimes we are just so needy that we don’t accept our counterpart the way they are. We expect more from them – or less.
This is when you need to step in and make a self-loving decision for yourself. Usually, you need to step into action for yourself, without involving or enlisting other people, and certainly not a narcissist.
You need to communicate your needs and boundaries clearly.
If they still get violated, it doesn’t matter whether you’re dealing with a narcissist or not.
The simple truth is that this person cannot help you meet your needs – your expectations are either unrealistic, self-centered while not reading the room, you didn’t provide enough information to the other person or they simply don’t have the capacity to listen, see, hear and understand you. In the case of narcissists, they most likely don’t even have the capacity to empathize with you, so you’re pissing against the wind.
Exploitative people (including narcissists) erode your self-worth by transgressing your boundaries.
However, what if you don’t know your needs and boundaries and what if you didn’t clearly state your needs, expectations and boundaries? – If you don’t do any of these things, you can’t be sure whether the other person is exploiting you or just being ignorant (but able to learn) or something else.
If your needs, boundaries and expectations are clear to both you and the other person and they let you down anyway, then the only self-loving thing would be to a) only fulfill certain needs with them b) not even try to fulfill any needs with them. And if they are toxic, to simply avoid them.
Sometimes avoiding a person and going no contact is not easy, but it is always simple.
Whenever a relationship is one-sided, you’re not in a real relationship, but in a conditional arrangement.
True friendship (or even partnership) gives two people the freedom to be themselves. If only one person has the freedom to be themselves, you’re not in a relationship, but in a one-sided arrangement. In those cases, in doesn’t even matter who the more narcissistic person is or who’s to blame.
If at least one person can’t be themselves without hurting the other person or being hurt, you’re already in a toxic dynamic, which isn’t a relationship at all.
In order to avoid all toxic dynamics, make sure that not only you but also the other person can be themselves without any negative repercussions for anyone involved.
Recognize and respect what your counterpart is capable of. This is the only wise and self-loving thing you can do.
Know your needs and boundaries – and communicate them clearly.
Moreover, sometimes it’s not necessary to communicate anything, sometimes the only person who can fulfill our needs is us.
“Silence is the language of God, all else is poor translation.”
― Rumi