I’m gonna start out by making myself very unpopular:
At some point, you will need to stop blaming the narcissist. This may be the most important step in your healing. This goes against the approach of many coaches (and even therapists) online that go on forever about all the terrible traits of “the narcissist”.
Why did the narcissist do this? Why that? Why did they brush their teeth that way on that evening?…
I get it. This is giving people what they want to hear. This is the content people want while they’re trauma-bonded. They (and this used to be me, too) want to think about the narcissist – and nothing else. They want to hold on to the narcissist in anger, grief, via negative emotions.
Anger is actually just a messenger to make you aware of the fact that boundaries have been crossed and need to be reinstalled. Hatred tells you that you need to distance yourself from that person.
Anger, if you don’t listen to it / refuse to get the memo, can just make you hold on to people you should simply forget. In that regard, anger can be more effective than love.
This is the strategy to keep you sick. You remain addicted to the narcissist, you keep feeding the addiction and you keep the trauma-bond alive. – As long as you’re still very trauma-bonded, you may protest against “letting go”. But this is not about forgiveness. This is about taking the narcissist OFF THE PEDESTAL, TAKING BACK YOUR CONTROL and, most of all, PUTTING THE FOCUS BACK ON YOU (in a good way).
You need to define yourself by all the positive things you can do for yourself, your self-esteem, your positive self-concept and the way you follow your dreams – not by all the terrible things broken people did to you. The latter is not significant. It doesn’t need to be.
Thinking about the negative things the narcissist did to you is not going to help you in the long run – speaking from experience.
If you’re not ready to stop blaming the narcissist at this point, here are some other strategies.
- If “the narc” is an ex-fake-partner in your case:
stop thinking about the narc: just think of a different ex. This is a strategy I used – successfully – to take the narc off the pedestal. As a side effect, when you compare a narcissist to a neurotypical person, you can see the negative traits more clearly, which will make you realize that you’re really just trauma-bonded and not in love. - Your post-narc SELF-CARE is more important than anything else. If you want to get out of the trauma-bond and stop missing the fake “good times” (aka the idealization phase, the love-bombing…) you need to make up for the lack of intensity.
It’s the intensity you’re addicted to. You’re not “deeply in love” with this sick person. You’re trauma-bonded and addicted to the intensity. This intensity messes up your brain chemistry and this is what’s keeping you stuck. You become addicted to your own stress hormones – that’s why you keep thinking about the narcissist, even though it hurts you. This phase was probably the most painful in my life. So I am the first one to tell you: focusing on yourself? That is easier said than done. But it’s what has to happen, if you want to get better. - Here’s my number 1 strategy in order to break the trauma-bond. Ask yourself this question:
Would you let them sit your cat? Your dog? Your child? – Some people have children with narcissists, so this last question doesn’t apply to you. But if you don’t have children with the narcissist (yet), reconsider. Co-parenting with a narcissist is not something I coach people for. I don’t know of anyone who would recommend having children with a narcissist. Me personally, I would NOT let the narcissist sit my cat.
I would never trust him to treat my cat well enough, as I’ve already experienced him picking up a stray cat and dropping it – letting him run across the street. This question may not work for everyone, because in some cases, your narcissist may be much nicer towards animals than humans. Or they’re nicer towards everyone but you. I know all of these scenarios. Nevertheless – if I can see the narc flags flying high, I will not let such a person sit my cat, period. Narcissists should be kept away from everyone who’s dear to you, if possible at all, in my opinion. - Here’s a number of affirmations I created, which helped me a lot. They are, however, bordering on black magic, which I don’t recommend doing. Anyway, at times, these affirmations helped me more than spiritual cleansing.
(Here they are: YOU HAVE NO MEANING IN MY LIFE. YOU HAVE NO SIGNIFICANCE IN MY LIFE. YOU HAVE NO IMPORTANCE IN MY LIFE.
A bit worse, but effective is this: YOU ARE DEAD IN MY HEART, YOU ARE DEAD IN MY SOUL, YOU ARE DEAD IN MY BODY.) - Live from the end result. Back-engineer the feelings you would be feeling, if you truly felt that the narcissist would no longer have any significance in your life. Do the things you would be doing. Think the thoughts you would be thinking. Pursue the dreams that have been on hold for WAY TOO LONG. – You can choose to live in that new reality NOW. I may feel untrue in the beginning, but it can become your reality, if you keep pushing your thoughts, feelings, habits in that direction.
- Decide what you want to feel and think. Then feel and think that. Tell yourself that you can – every day – until you can.
- Tell yourself: this is where my guilt ends. You may have allowed other people to cross your boundaries. No more of that! This is where your guilt ends. Today is when your guilt ends. No more shame and guilt.
- Remember: sometimes you miss a narcissist not for who they were during the idealization phase, but for all the things you DID NOT receive from them – despite their grandiose words and gestures.
Always remind yourself of all the things you did actually NOT get from them.
Then go and get them. - How to replace a narc? – Make bigger plans! Dream bigger dreams! – Real dreams that actually have some substance to them, because they have you in them. Replace the intensity, in a way that’s sane and healthy for you – and propels you forward on your path of progress.
- Work on your new, positive self-concept every day.
Are you ready to break the trauma-bond?
Enter my immersion: INDIFFERENCE.
This is no grey-rocking technique. This is true, real and raw, ice-cold INDIFFERENCE.
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