You have probably seen this meme on social media. It goes something like: “Toxic or narcissistic people make you believe that the problem is not their own bad behavior, but your reaction to their bad behavior.”
I agree, and I think we have all experienced this to some degree.
But I would say, the problem goes much further and can happen in more subtle ways, if we don’t pay attention and watch out for our own boundaries.
Let’s look at an example:
You tell a person that you don’t want them to show up at your place unannounced.
Surprise!
They keep showing up unannounced. (MASSIVE RED FLAG.)
You tell them that this behavior is unacceptable and you will not open the door for them anymore.
Instead of respecting your boundaries, they start explaining how THEY THEMSELVES would like to be visited by you, unannounced, and how THEY would like to visit everyone without an invitation and how that would be normal when you LOVE a person.
Furthermore, as this is normal to THEM, they don’t see the point of changing their behavior.
Your needs and boundaries are simply irrelevant.
Suddenly, your needs and boundaries are not part of the discussion at all.
Instead, they try to make you feel guilty for not “loving” them, because “loving” them would mean that you accept their (bad) behavior, even though it is crossing your boundaries.
Because you see… their behavior, even though it is crossing your boundaries and unacceptable to most people, serves THEM. And therefore, if you don’t tolerate their behavior, you are in some way harming them and therefore, you are the bad guy, not them. – According to the toxic person.
Instead of accepting and respecting your boundaries, they are trying to gaslight you into beliving that your behavior, is, in fact, the problematic one.
The problem is no longer that they have repeatedly disregarded and crossed your boundary.
No, the problem is your lack of tolerance for their behavior.
If you’re not familiar with gaslighting and how narcissistic people constantly distort reality by disregarding the boundaries and feeelings of others, you might now be questioning yourself, wondering whether you have been to harsh to that person.
But you shouldn’t.
In fact, you mustn’t.
Because once you allow these individuals to blur or even to abolish your boundaries, convincing you that tolerating their bad behavior is in your own best interest – you will start to lose yourself and probably fall prey to a narcissistic enmeshment.
This is a perfect example of gaslighting and how toxic individuals, who are often highly narcissistic, can exploit your kindness and tendency to question yourself by undermining your justified, normal and realistic boundaries and turning them into mere preferences of yours that are actually, as you should understand (according to them), absolutely unnecessary.
In other words: according to the highly narcissistic person, you are taking yourself too seriously.
Therefore, it’s crucial for you to recognize this kind of behavior from the get-go and to have ZERO tolerance towards it.
Meaning: You set a boundary and you stick to it. You don’t let anyone talk you out of it. You don’t soften it because someone else would like you to. You only change your boundaries when or if YOU want to and that’s the end of it. No discussions.
The Toxicity of Boundary Ignorance: Recognizing Narcissism in Disguise
In the intricate dance of human relationships, boundaries serve as essential markers delineating the limits of personal space, autonomy, and respect. They are the invisible lines that safeguard our emotional, physical, and mental well-being. However, in the realm of interpersonal dynamics, there exists a subset of individuals who not only disregard these boundaries but also attempt to engage in relentless discussions to undermine and manipulate them. Such behavior is not merely intrusive; it signifies a deeper toxicity often rooted in narcissism.
Understanding boundaries is fundamental to fostering healthy relationships. They establish the parameters within which individuals feel safe, respected, and valued. Whether it’s asserting personal space, setting limits on behavior, or expressing emotional needs, boundaries are integral to maintaining balance and harmony in interactions. However, when someone consistently disregards or challenges these boundaries, it sets off alarm bells for potential toxicity.
One of the most insidious traits of toxic behavior is the refusal to accept boundaries outright. Instead of respecting the individual’s autonomy and preferences, these individuals persistently push against established limits, attempting to coerce or guilt others into compliance. This behavior manifests in various forms, from subtle manipulation to outright aggression, all aimed at undermining the other person’s agency.
Furthermore, rather than acknowledging and respecting boundaries, toxic individuals often seek to engage in endless discussions about them. They employ tactics such as gaslighting, invalidation, and deflection to deflect responsibility and maintain control. By engaging in prolonged debates about boundaries, they wear down the other person’s resolve, making them doubt their own perceptions and needs.
At the heart of this boundary-disregarding behavior lies narcissism—a personality trait characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. Narcissists view boundaries as obstacles to be overcome rather than as essential safeguards for healthy relationships. Their inflated sense of entitlement leads them to believe that their desires and needs supersede those of others, rendering boundaries irrelevant in their eyes.
Moreover, narcissists thrive on manipulation and control, using discussions about boundaries as a means to exert power over others. By constantly challenging and invalidating the other person’s boundaries, they seek to establish dominance and reinforce their own superiority. These individuals are adept at exploiting vulnerabilities and insecurities, using emotional manipulation to maintain their grip on the relationship.
The danger of engaging with narcissists who refuse to accept boundaries is manifold. Firstly, it erodes the individual’s sense of self-worth and autonomy, leaving them feeling powerless and invalidated. Constantly having one’s boundaries questioned or dismissed can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, and self-doubt, as the individual struggles to assert their needs and preferences.
Secondly, it perpetuates a cycle of toxicity and dysfunction within the relationship. By normalizing boundary-crossing behavior, the narcissist creates an environment where their needs are prioritized at the expense of others’. This imbalance of power breeds resentment, conflict, and emotional turmoil, further deteriorating the quality of the relationship.
(Of course, the highly narcissistic person is not going to be aware of their role in all of this. And even if they are, they will either show signs of “not caring” – which will further damage their partner – or they will continue to deflect blame on their partner.)
Thirdly, it reinforces unhealthy patterns of communication and interaction, making it increasingly difficult for you to assert your boundaries in future relationships. The constant gaslighting and manipulation undermine your trust in your own judgment, leaving you vulnerable to further exploitation and abuse.
So if you ever wondered why you kept dating narcissists, this may be your answer.
Recognizing and addressing boundary-disregarding behavior is crucial for preserving your well-being and sanity.
It requires a firm commitment to self-awareness, assertiveness, and boundary enforcement.
Setting clear and non-negotiable boundaries is the first step in regaining your sanity and independence.
Additionally, it’s essential to recognize the signs of narcissistic behavior and manipulation. These include a lack of empathy, a sense of entitlement, constant need for validation, and a tendency to deflect blame onto others. By staying vigilant and trusting one’s instincts, you can protect yourself from falling prey to toxic relationships.
In conclusion, people who refuse to accept boundaries and instead engage in relentless discussions to undermine them are not only toxic but also potentially narcissistic and dangerous. As a best practice for self-care and self-love, you should stop exposing yourself to this kind of personality type, meaning: no contact with anyone who behaves in such a way.
Their behavior stems from a deep-seated sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy for others’ needs. Recognizing and addressing* this behavior is essential for maintaining your emotional and mental well-being.
By asserting boundaries and refusing to engage with manipulative tactics, you can break free from the cycle of toxicity and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
* Addressing the behavior: If you choose to address this behavior and raise it with a highly narcissistic person, be aware of the fact that this can lead to another emotionally exhausting discussion and usually strenghtens the trauma-bond you probably already have with this person.
You would have to be very strong and aware of your own boundaries in order to withstand a narcissistic person’s manipulation and deflection tactics. It’s basically like playing ping pong with the devil. It’s usually not worth your time and energy.
Sometimes you have to acknowledge that you cannot find a common, balanced ground with another person, simply because they don’t consider you an equal and because they put their own needs above yours – often at your expense. In this case, a relationship with mutual care and love is simply impossible to have with such a person and it’s time to invest your time and energy into both yourself and other people who can take you seriously enough to be healthy relationship partners.
My suggestion is: if a toxic person tells you: “you’re taking yourself too seriously”, ask yourself: Are they taking me seriously enough to have a healthy relationship with me, where my needs and boundaries are being respected? – And answer this question yourself. Don’t ask the highly narcissistic person, because they will always talk positively about themselves. (Of course they can do anything! Of course they’re a good person and of course their bad behavior is always justified. – They’d like to think….
Most of all, it would really serve them if YOU believe their self-congratulatory words.)
Be also aware of this: human psychology always reacts to ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY. As narcissists are absolutely certain about them being good and justified and usually don’t question their own behavior, it’s very hard for a more balanced person not to be affected by the narcissist’s attitude of absolute certainty.
So if you ever want to find out about the narcissist’s true intention, don’t ask them, don’t confront them, and don’t listen to them – just observe their behavior and stand your ground. Answer your own questions by observing their behavior and don’t be impressed by their self-serving, toxic logic.
Answer your questions for yourself and trust yourself, believing your own impressions and experiences. This is exactly what the highly narcissistic person is trying to erode.
Observing their behavior will give you all the clarity you need.
There is not only no need for discussions – but having discussions with such a person is usually dangerous, as they make you expose yourself to even more gaslighting, word salad and deflection tactics.
Ask yourself if this is really what you want to expose yourself to and remember: you cannot change other people.
A person who doesn’t respect your boundaries is not going to change their selfish ways. And even if, after long fights and discussions and a total waste of time energy (over the course of several months and years, maybe decades), they finally do start to respect some of your boundaries (boundaries that are absolutely self-evident and normal to any person who is not highly narcissistic) – this is not the way anyone should be wasting their precious time and energy. It’s simply not worth it. And by engaging in such types of battles, you are signaling to yourself: “I mean a lot less to myself than this person, they matter more than I do, and my well-being is simply not important.” – And this is most certainly not the message you want to give to yourself or any other person, even if it’s true.
Prioritizing any kind of relationship, especially if it’s toxic, over your own well-being and self-respect, is only going to attract more narcissistic people and exploitation into your life.
Pick your battles wisely.
Stop fighting for other people to understand and respect you. Start focusing on understanding and respecting yourself.