Use Heuristics to Stop Dating narcs : Choose a Good Chosen Family, Friends, and Partners (incl. free table template for your heuristic analysis!)

Using heuristics to analyze people is my own invention. I had the idea while learning about UX design.

What experience (the X in UX) did your ex give you? (Pun intended.)
What experience did your family give you?

Heuristics are simple rules or mental shortcuts that help us make decisions and solve problems quickly and efficiently. Instead of analyzing every detail of a situation, we use these shortcuts to come to conclusions based on our past experiences or common sense.

Here are a few key points to understand heuristics better:

1. Simplifying Decisions: Heuristics help us simplify complex decisions. For example, if you’re choosing a restaurant, you might think, “I usually like Asian vegan food,” instead of looking at every menu item in every restaurant.
2. Based on Experience: Heuristics are often based on our previous experiences. If you had a good experience with a certain brand of shoes, you might choose that brand again without researching other options.
3. Not Always Perfect: While heuristics can be helpful, they can also lead to mistakes or biases. For instance, if you always choose the same type of show because you liked it before, you might miss out on other great shows. (Let’s not think about Game of Thrones – season 8.)
   

As we know, when dating a narcissist you’re always in season 8 – with Ramsay Bolton.
Or Cersei.

Heuristics for Choosing a Good Chosen Family, Friends, and Partners

In a world where relationships can significantly impact our happiness and well-being, the importance of choosing the right people to surround ourselves with cannot be overstated. While biological families are often a given, the concept of a “chosen family”—the friends and partners we select to be part of our lives—can be just as crucial. Here, we explore some heuristics, or mental shortcuts, that can help guide you in selecting a supportive and fulfilling chosen family, friends, and partners.

1. Shared Values and Goals
2. Emotional Support and Trust
3. Mutual Respect and Boundaries
4. Positive Influence and Growth
5. Conflict Resolution Skills
6. Diversity and Different Perspectives
7. Consistency and Reliability

1. Shared Values and Goals

One of the most important heuristics in choosing your chosen family and friends is to look for shared values and goals. When your core beliefs align with those of the people you surround yourself with, it creates a strong foundation for your relationships. This alignment can lead to deeper connections and mutual understanding.

Tip: Engage in conversations about values and life goals early in your relationships to gauge compatibility.

2. Emotional Support and Trust

A good chosen family or partner should provide emotional support and foster a sense of trust. Look for individuals who are empathetic, listen actively, and offer encouragement during tough times. Trust is built over time, but you can often sense whether someone is trustworthy based on their actions and how they treat others.

Tip: Pay attention to how people respond to your vulnerabilities. Do they respect your feelings and offer support, or do they dismiss them?

3. Mutual Respect and Boundaries

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and the ability to set and maintain boundaries. Choose friends and partners who respect your personal space, opinions, and decisions. This respect fosters a safe environment where everyone can express themselves freely.

Tip: Communicate your boundaries clearly and observe how others respond. Healthy relationships will honor these boundaries without question.

4. Positive Influence and Growth

Surround yourself with individuals who inspire you to grow and become a better version of yourself. A good chosen family or partner should encourage your personal development and celebrate your achievements. Look for people who challenge you in a positive way and motivate you to pursue your passions.

Tip: Reflect on how you feel after spending time with someone. Do you feel energized and motivated, or drained and discouraged?

5. Conflict Resolution Skills

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. The ability to navigate disagreements constructively is crucial for long-term success. Choose friends and partners who can communicate openly about their feelings and work towards resolution rather than resorting to avoidance or hostility.

Tip: Observe how potential friends or partners handle conflict in their other relationships. This can provide insight into how they might handle disagreements with you.

6. Diversity and Different Perspectives

Having a diverse group of friends and partners can enrich your life and broaden your perspective. Seek out individuals from different backgrounds, cultures, and experiences. This diversity can lead to more meaningful conversations and a deeper understanding of the world.

Tip: Engage in activities or communities that expose you to different cultures and viewpoints, allowing you to meet a variety of people.

7. Consistency and Reliability

Look for individuals who demonstrate consistency in their actions and words. Reliability is a key component of trust and stability in relationships. Friends and partners who are dependable will be there for you in times of need and will follow through on their commitments.

Tip: Pay attention to how often someone keeps their promises. Consistent behavior over time is a strong indicator of reliability.

Conclusion

Choosing a good chosen family, friends, and partners is a vital aspect of leading a fulfilling life. By applying these heuristics—shared values, emotional support, mutual respect, positive influence, conflict resolution skills, diversity, and reliability—you can create a supportive network that enhances your well-being. Remember, the quality of your relationships can significantly impact your happiness, so take the time to choose wisely. Surround yourself with those who uplift you, challenge you, and stand by you through life’s ups and downs.

You can apply the same (or very similar) rules to co-workers and bosses, which will of course influence your job search and what kinds of work environments you accept.

Here is a simple table you can copy and use in your every day life:

Let’s say I’m going to score my narc ex, just as an example and for “fun”. You can see that no matter whether this person has a diagnosis or not / is a narcissist or not, by using this simple table I can easily see that I didn’t lose much by losing this person.

This makes my feelings very tangible and I can easily validate my own emotions by making this dry-but-fun heuristic analysis.

Making such a simple analysis can help you overcome the trauma-bond much more easily. And it costs you absolutely nothing!

So this would amount to 1 point out of 35 points – which is a clear F.

This person obviously only got a foot in the door due to love-bombing. I’m truly glad he’s not in my life anymore.

And now I can see it on paper, black on white, nothing but facts – no more weird meandering through my emotional memory lanes in hell.

You can analyze every situation or person this way and gain a clear picture.

Jobs, bosses, hobbies, interests, clothes, habits … What’s worth keeping and what’s great to lose?

Make sure to define your own heuristics.

For me personally, the people and things that are worth keeping rarely score between 3-4, preferably between 4-5, but never lower than 3 on a single heuristic. You can make up your own rules; it’s your life. If you want to settle for 0s or 1s, that’s your choice, too. I don’t recommend it.

But: If you go for people and things that score 4-5 in all heuristics, you will end up with a life that is in alignment with your Soul. I highly recommend that. Your Soul will be thanking you. And that’s good for all of us, I believe, because we are probably one Hyper-Soul somewhere, somehow.

Happy analyzing!

-Dee