Intuition is it’s own sensation and a language that’s older than words.
Some people call it their gut feeling.
The gut, too, is older than the brain. When we develop in a woman’s uterus, the gut develops first.
So what can a gut instinct tell you about a narc, when you first meet him/her?
– familiar (if you had narcs in your nuclear family)
– DANGER (for the same reason as above, but not as strongly …)
I believe a key aspect of protecting oneself from being attracted and attracting more narcs is turning up the volume on the perception of danger.
– something is off about this narcy person – but that’s also interesting!
Now you want to know more about them.
Now you’re hooked.
Suddenly they start the love bombing. “Oh, we’re such a great match. Aren’t we working well together?”
You listen to the nonsense once, twice. Both times you think: Oh, they’re cute…. So naive, so anxious.
Mistake: Your non-judgmental, caring nature overpowers your intuition. Your intuition has already told you this person is DANGER, remember?
The nonsense keeps going and now you’re starting to believe it. Oh wow, this person really likes me! – Big mistake.
(…) Now you’re going to go through the whole narcissistic cycle of idealization, devaluation, discard, and you will compound so much damage, you will barely make it out alive.
Why?
- Because you ignored your intuition telling you about familiarity and danger.
- Because your nature is too non-judgmental, caring, forgiving – and possibly codependent. In order to connect (actually: dysfunctionally enmesh) with another person, in order to feel needed, wanted, “loved” ASAP, you turn down the volume on your intuition, shove it on the back burner, and go with the narc-flow, like a dead fish. You put the needs of that other person above yours. In other words: You put them on a pedestal. By caring “too much” about others, that is, by caring more about others than about you and what your intuition is telling you, you stop caring about your safety.
Why?
Because danger is your normal.
Because damage is your normal.
Because BEING damaged is your normal. – And the narc knows this. The narc can read you once you open up to them, once you’re on their hook because you’re starting to actually listen to their clown show, believing it’s real. Projecting your own realness on them.
The narc knows that you are damaged and that you like him because you see his damage.
You know that the narc knows.
On some level, you both know.
The problem is, you won’t have real intimacy with that narc, anyhow, because the narc doesn’t have your level of self-awareness and doesn’t want to have it, either. He only strives for better shows and more instant gratification. He is not interested in depth and authenticity. You think he is, but that’s just the show he’s playing, the words he’s saying.
To the narc, acting is normal.
Damaging others by thrashing around his heavy armor and banging his mask against your naked face is normal.
To you, being damaged is normal.
It’s a match made in hell – for you. The narc will move on and be pretty much unscathed. You will lose your beliefs in … everything. Humans, love, connection, words, truth, and worst of all – yourself. You will doubt yourself because the narc CANNOT doubt himself.
An artist can’t doubt their own creation. That would be self-sabotage. And you’re just a prop on their stage.
The narc will forget you – or come back to recycle you one day, throwing you back into a cycle of abuse (by re-idealizing you, love bombing you again, praising you… you will suck that up, believe it, you will want to believe it), devalue you even more, abandon and discard you in an even worse way. Because you don’t matter. You’re just a prop.
And as long as you believe that you don’t matter… or matter less than the narc… or that your needs are not as important as the narc’s needs – somehow CONNECTING with that narc emotionally, spiritually, sexually, mentally, is more important than your physical safety…
as long as you believe that you will keep shoving your intuition aside.
Your intuition has always been clear and loud enough – you just ignored it because you WANTED TO. And you know it.
The narc knows this, too, or suspects it, that’s why he keeps baiting you, gaslighting you, provoking you. In some way, he wants you to wake up to his stupid show just being a show, I believe.
But he’s also hiding from himself. It’s a lost case. … The narc knows only acting, but he doesn’t know that he’s acting or when he’s acting. There are holes in his reality.
To you, it’s totally obvious when he’s acting. He’s transparent to you. But not to himself. That’s confusing you.
The confusion grows and the internal cacophony builds up… drowning the voice of your intuition.
And you have holes in your foundation. You don’t even know when the next crack is coming, when you’re going to fall into your own abyss, again, because the narc is doing his crazy dance with you.
Cognitive dissonance.
And you want to keep up, but you can’t, because you haven’t filled up the holes and cracks in your foundation… So you fall, and the narc won’t catch you.
And you can’t catch yourself, either.
And when the narc falls, he wants to fall, and he doesn’t want to be caught, because he wants to blame you for falling – into his own cracks.
So he’ll provoke all your demons and send you his, too.
And then he leaves the stage.
“Bye, b***h.”
He thinks he’s funny.
In a way, the whole thing IS funny – but sadly, at your expense. On some level you know that you shouldn’t be suffering for love.
On some level you know that being damaged shouldn’t be your normal.
And that love shouldn’t be damaging.
True love, true care wouldn’t be damaging.
You want to go back and apologize to your intuition for ignoring her, but by that time you’ve already sold your Soul to the devil for some cheap thrills.
By that time it’s already “GAME OVER – YOU DIED” . For you. Not for the narc. He lives on fake-happily ever after. The End.
___
Where did we go wrong?
We pushed our intuition aside in order to connect with another person.
Our will to connect was stronger than our instinct for self-preservation and protection.
Next time, what can we do differently?
– We don’t engage with a person who feels familiar and dangerous/interesting.
When they feel familiar, we ask ourselves: why? – And we ask them questions about their life and their past.
We observe red flags, we don’t play stupid. We LOOK CLOSELY.
We LISTEN CLOSELY.
We listen to the potential narc and we listen to our intuition.
We make sure we are not re-enacting trauma from childhood – our childhood, their childhood.
We don’t start playing an act on a stage and then try to switch into “real” – you can’t switch into “real” with a narc, there will always be time lapses and reality alterations and things will just be missing… such as mutual care and an interest not to hurt you.
As the interest not to hurt you is completely missing, the narc might feel “safe” to you because they are “familiar” aka “your sick normal”.
But they’re not safe, they’re sick.
You started out real, now you’re becoming more sick again.
The narc was always sick, it just didn’t seem like it because he was love-bombing.
What do we do about the stupid love-bombing?
We recognize that all love-bombig, though it feels nice, is (setting you up for) emotional abuse. It’s the Trojan horse that must be left in front of the gates of your city. You can’t let the enemy invade.
So when the love-bombing starts, you shut it down and listen to your intuition. Turn up the volume on your intuition.
Is your intuition telling you that this person is anxious, hostile, avoidant, narcissistic, blind, unaware?
Do they fell UNAWARE ?
If you ask them a particular thing about the dynamics the two of you are having – do they feel UNAWARE? Do they maybe even say that they are UNAWARE?
This is how you can test your intuition.
If you’re unsure about something, pause or stop whatever you’re doing with this person and do a check-in with yourself and with that other person.
If this leads to drama, you’re probably with a person who has an attachment injury (“where there’s drama, look for trauma”), and if they’re not willing to go to therapy and grow up with you, it’s better to leave immediately.
Like two weeks ago.
Your intuition told you this already in the beginning, by telling you “this person feels familiar and dangerous/interesting”.
So always take the red flags as an important hint that should make you SLOW DOWN in the relationship with that person, or even stop entirely.
Don’t increase your speed in order to stop seeing red flags.
Your intuition needs time to process things and give you accurate warning signals.
Take your time while getting to know a person. Don’t rush in. Don’t let them rush you in.
Your intuition needs a slow and steady pace to keep up with what’s happening.
Next time, respect your intuition.
Don’t ignore red flags for the sake of connection. See red flags as real indicators for danger and ask yourself:
Is this other person worth endangering myself – AGAIN ?
Do you really want to lose the connection with yourself again? For the fake connection with another person?
No, you don’t.
So listen to your intuition, no matter how subtle she is.
When the hormones start drowning your intuition, stop and wait until you can see clearly again.
Take a break from this person, for 1-3 weeks.
If they are real, they can wait.
Remember: gut feeling.
The brain can be very quick, the heart is forever pumping, pumping… But the gut needs some time to digest.
So give your gut instinct time.
Respect the fact that digestion takes time. Treat your relationships like food and see if you have an allergic reaction after intake.
Have a little, check in with yourself. Then think about having more.
Don’t eat everything at once; you would get digestive problems. And you know it.
Also, stop thinking that suffering in an intimate connection with someone is normal. It is not.
Hypnotize yourself into thinking: “I deserve good, healthy relationships that make me feel safe, nurtured, growth-oriented, inspired and stronger.”
Don’t accept endangering yourself any longer or ever again.
Endangering yourself is anti-intuitive.